My 3 Worst Hangovers

You know those nights out when you're surrounded by your best mates, the music is *chefs kiss* 🤌 and the vibes are just 11/10 transcendental? So transcendental that you forget what your mum always told you, "pace yourself with alcohol"...

Trust me when I say, I wish I remembered her advice during these three nights. Whilst these stories are kinda funny, you couldn't pay me to feel that ill again. So, say it with me kids. ✨PACE YOURSELF✨

1. Red dress night

One sip of vodka and for some reason, I thought I was invincible. In reality, I was a menace to society. At pre's, I was playing with knives in the kitchen, begging people to sock wrestle with me and abusing anyone who didn't like ACDC... Eek.

I can't recall how we got to the club. I vaguely remember telling the security guard that he shouldn't let me in as I then stumbled to the curb and chundered. 

I ordered an uber home, realising too late that I'd left my keys with my friend so I arranged to meet up with my roommate with almost undecipherable texts. Her and her date (their first date, mind you) met me at the Uber and gave me the keys.

"Nice to meet you!” I mumbled to her date and then... oh, this is painful... I vomited on him. Hi rock bottom, how are you?

Back home, I was convinced that I was going to die. I pictured the headlines: "Girl found passed out, head in a toilet full of vomit". I changed out of my red dress into my favorite Led Zeppelin shirt because I preferred to be buried in that.

The next day was torture I could hardly move, talk nor bear living with myself. I mean seriously, I must have lost a trillion brain cells the night before and I think we can all agree, I don't have a lot to spare 🥵

2. FOTSUN

FOTSUN is a festival with BYO alcohol. Bring 👏 Your 👏 Own means trouble.

My best mate, Kendal and I bought into the special at the Bottle-O. Three bottles of Little Fat Lamb for $15. It'd be rude not to. Just for clarity, there are eight standard drinks in each bottle... and I am the epitome of lightweights. The night was✨immaculate✨.

When the festival finished for the night and kick-ons faded out, my friend and I retire to the van and ate a pack of Cheezles. 

This is gonna get really TMI... I'm so sorry. But I don't have any shame. At five in the morning, I stumbled out of the van and vomitted. It was orange. (I can NEVER eat Cheezles again). 

There was also a charity walk with hundreds of people going past where we were parked. So many happy, altruistic people walked by as I vommed my guts out. Then, as they all dissapeared, Kendal woke up and almost vommed herself from all my vomit. We decided to go for a morning swim to heal ourselves but as I looked down, I'd got my period and it was everywhere. Kendal was pissing herself laughing.

Then, all of a sudden, the flood gates opened and by flood I mean sewer. The Little Fat Lamb was rushing through me and I was genuinely taking sh*t a brick to the next level. I am not kidding, I have never been that close to carking it in my life. We sprinted to the closest beach toilet, Kendal unable to talk from the laughter. 

As I sat on the toilet, I prayed to anyone listening that I heal myself as the festival still had another day. I kept telling myself "I'm healing, I'm healing, I'm healing" throughout the day. And guess who bloody healed. Mind over matter people (well, sometimes at least)!

3. Croatia boat tour

Long story short, we were all given free wine on our boat tour. I hated wine (and now can't touch it), but since it was free, I couldn't not.

I do not remember the night. At all. I've been told that I threw my shoes in the ocean saying we should all be closer to mother earth. I then started trying to steal other people's shoes. I cried in a 50 year old mans arms about how we're all gonna die. I hooked up with a fair few people (hopefully not the 50 year old). 

Then I vomitted on my friends' suitcase and couldn't sleep as we were on a bloody BOAT. I was sea-sick and hungover. Trust me. I have never felt closer to death than that night and the next day. 

So. If you're thinking about drinking, take my advice: DRINK SLOW YA MONGREL. These were not good times.